Best Rappers With Speech Impediments

The patron saint looks on.


There is something about the genre of hip hop that makes it accommodating to people who do not really talk correctly. These are not the type of gentlemen to be on the receiving end of a Chris Rock “He speaks so well.” I don’t know why rap music is so cool with hare-lips and stutters, but I do know that Lynyrd Skynyrd would never have gone anywhere if Ronnie Van Zant sang “gummey tree stups, gummey tree stups muster.” Anyways, without further adoodoo.


Not as dangerous as your mother probably thinks.

6. 50 Cent
This guy can rap. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. He just chooses not to. Whether he is a closet Pharoahe Monch fan, singing terrible soul music in the shower, or if he honestly doesn’t give a fuck about music and is in it solely to see how much money he can make, the dude seems to prefer sing-songy choruses over lyrics. Blame that shit on getting shot in the face if you want. I don’t know what it feels like to have a bullet in my cheek, but Bushwick took one in the eye, and it didn’t seem to fuck up his flow any.


Slight brain damage? Or that's emotion, and you'se a bitch?

5. RZA
RZA is not in the upper echelon of MC’s in the Clan. If you only count the regular nine of them, dude probably doesn’t make the top half. He was a good MC, however, and he did craft the most apocalyptic beats this side of an audio tape of Chernobyl going off. Couple his slurring, stuttering verses from the Clan, his Gravediggaz work, his love of the onomatopoeia (blaghh!, waaghh!), and his absolutely lunatic Bobby Digital solo stuff, and the man earns a solid number five ranking on this blogger’s list.


Half man, half cartoon. Hideous wife.

4. Ice T
Hilarious. Ice T is a real hard dude. Supposedly a legitimate pimp back in the day, not the cool movie kind with velvet shirts and shit. The real world kind who sliced hamstrings so a bitch couldn’t run and beat the ever-loving Jesus out of 15 year old girls for one dollar. Nevertheless, he parlayed this into a role as the least intimidating TV cop in the history of recorded black guy TV cops. I literally laughed out loud when I heard the phrase “I want to shoot you so bad my dick is hard.” Still, that Body Count shit is okay, and he made a pretty good kangaroo.


Make's the alcoholic supervillain cool again.

3. MF Doom
Call him whatever you want to, Daniel Dumile is a fancy lyricist. His live shows leave something wanting, but on tape, the dude is aces. Doom’s speech impediment is bemusing, in that he did not have it early in his career. Check the KMD catalog, and he just brings the 17 year old kid NYC flavor to his tracks. Six or however many years later, he sounds like Shane MacGowan does lately. Supposed legends of the man being homeless for lengths of time, accompanied by his constant spitting about alcohol consumption, have led me to believe him to have fucked up his motor skills. He is still brilliant; I just wouldn’t trust him to put a house of cards together. Early on, he told us he “never OD’d on his diet of codeine and OE.” I call bullshit.


Too fat to beat your wife is too fat period. We need more murals of this gastropod.

2. Big Punisher
I don’t know if you would call what Pun had an actual speech impediment. He was just fat. Fat as all fuck. Fatter than I can ever imagine getting in my most insane nightmares. So fat that on a DVD I bought called ”Still Not a Player,” Pun’s wife runs up a flight of stairs to escape being beaten by him. He is too fat to climb after her. What Pun did is basically spit ¾ of a verse, then take a huge, grotesque, phlegmy breath that sounded like a DC-10 getting ready for takeoff. If you listen for it, on later tracks his voice also sounds wetter or something, as if he actually has huge amounts of saliva pooling in his mouth, and he is just waiting for a chance to take one of his gargantuan breaths so he can swallow some of it.


Talk's about murdering you so beautifully that you are totally cool with it.

1. Kool G. Rap
The dude who made lisping cool. G. Rap’s staccato rhymes are the stuff of mythology. Listen to him blaze his way through Fast Life, Ill Street Blues, or Men at Work, and tell me it would be half as dope if he pronounced his S’s correctly. I think not.


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