How do I become a booster?

Ho money's slow money but it's sho' money.

Not a forthwith booster for my own team, sending money each year to my alma mater in an envelope to guarantee myself seats 95 rows from the field. I know how to do that. How do I become one of the crooked boosters who ends up on the news?

I suppose I should explain myself. I am a Georgia fan, who has for the last year and a half, lived in Columbia, SC. Against my will. My newspaper tells me more daily about the Lexington County soccer team than the Atlanta Braves. I can tell you the offensive linemen for Richland 2 this coming fall, because we have far more local coverage of them than we do of any college football, save the indefatigable Gamecocks or the infallible Tigers.

My goal is simple: to pay enough Carolina players enough money to guarantee a loss to Mississippi State August 31. I will have moved to (hopefully) more hospitable climes in Charlotte by then, but the gloat factor will make my investment worthwhile. I will gloat at my former neighbors. I will gloat at my former mailman. I will gloat at the people I formerly saw at the grocery store and tried not to make eye contact with.

I am not a wealthy man, but I am willing to pay upwards of a few hundred dollars for a loss here. I do not want to shake anyone's hand, so send me dropbox addresses or whatnot. I want to make this work! I eagerly await a letter from Mike Slive informing me of the necessary paperwork.

No local yokel's gonna shut me down.

I have huge hopes that the Auburn situation blows up to SMU situations. For selfish reasons: I have close family that attended and cheers for the Tigers, and this close loss nonsense does not sell that well at Christmastime, even with conference titles to back it up.

Look, I love Georgia football as much as anybody, but it is handled much better by others. Much, much better. Anything a person such as myself could add would be outstandlingly superfluous, like a third nipple. Or the word outstandingly in the previous sentence.

I will give my one reader this however. The reas-on-ably new Ren & Stimpy DVD should be bought. I stand by this statement, until It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia comes out on DVD. IASIP, as it is known by the youth, is easily the funniest show to come out in the last two years, HBO included. Also, what is up with restaurants that make you pay $30 for the same food you get elsewhere for $14. Atmosphere means fuckall to me, and it should not be significantly more important than fuckall to any female that wants to spend multiple nights in my company. My apologies for the assholery.

We're gonna get our asses kicked! We didn't have a breakfast.

24 explains the facts of life to 21.


End transmission.

In love with death? Death of love?

As heterosexually as possible, I say this is an attractive man.

My Italian is not so good, lest one semester of C- freshman level college fool you. Nevertheless, "Cemetery Man" is finally out on DVD, and I suggest you all pick it up. If you like horror movies, gorgeous Italian broads with ridonkulous racks, or both of those things, it should be for you. Also, it is essentially a dark comedy. Not so much in the vein of Evil Dead or Dead Alive; it is a little more subversive than those films. It takes itself more seriously as well. Enough with the bullshit, it is a great movie and probably pretty cheap at your local BestTargMart. Grab it.

Ed. Note: I did not put up a pic of Anna Falchi, she of the huge nipples, but said pics are not hard to come by.