Best Rappers With Speech Impediments

The patron saint looks on.


There is something about the genre of hip hop that makes it accommodating to people who do not really talk correctly. These are not the type of gentlemen to be on the receiving end of a Chris Rock “He speaks so well.” I don’t know why rap music is so cool with hare-lips and stutters, but I do know that Lynyrd Skynyrd would never have gone anywhere if Ronnie Van Zant sang “gummey tree stups, gummey tree stups muster.” Anyways, without further adoodoo.


Not as dangerous as your mother probably thinks.

6. 50 Cent
This guy can rap. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. He just chooses not to. Whether he is a closet Pharoahe Monch fan, singing terrible soul music in the shower, or if he honestly doesn’t give a fuck about music and is in it solely to see how much money he can make, the dude seems to prefer sing-songy choruses over lyrics. Blame that shit on getting shot in the face if you want. I don’t know what it feels like to have a bullet in my cheek, but Bushwick took one in the eye, and it didn’t seem to fuck up his flow any.


Slight brain damage? Or that's emotion, and you'se a bitch?

5. RZA
RZA is not in the upper echelon of MC’s in the Clan. If you only count the regular nine of them, dude probably doesn’t make the top half. He was a good MC, however, and he did craft the most apocalyptic beats this side of an audio tape of Chernobyl going off. Couple his slurring, stuttering verses from the Clan, his Gravediggaz work, his love of the onomatopoeia (blaghh!, waaghh!), and his absolutely lunatic Bobby Digital solo stuff, and the man earns a solid number five ranking on this blogger’s list.


Half man, half cartoon. Hideous wife.

4. Ice T
Hilarious. Ice T is a real hard dude. Supposedly a legitimate pimp back in the day, not the cool movie kind with velvet shirts and shit. The real world kind who sliced hamstrings so a bitch couldn’t run and beat the ever-loving Jesus out of 15 year old girls for one dollar. Nevertheless, he parlayed this into a role as the least intimidating TV cop in the history of recorded black guy TV cops. I literally laughed out loud when I heard the phrase “I want to shoot you so bad my dick is hard.” Still, that Body Count shit is okay, and he made a pretty good kangaroo.


Make's the alcoholic supervillain cool again.

3. MF Doom
Call him whatever you want to, Daniel Dumile is a fancy lyricist. His live shows leave something wanting, but on tape, the dude is aces. Doom’s speech impediment is bemusing, in that he did not have it early in his career. Check the KMD catalog, and he just brings the 17 year old kid NYC flavor to his tracks. Six or however many years later, he sounds like Shane MacGowan does lately. Supposed legends of the man being homeless for lengths of time, accompanied by his constant spitting about alcohol consumption, have led me to believe him to have fucked up his motor skills. He is still brilliant; I just wouldn’t trust him to put a house of cards together. Early on, he told us he “never OD’d on his diet of codeine and OE.” I call bullshit.


Too fat to beat your wife is too fat period. We need more murals of this gastropod.

2. Big Punisher
I don’t know if you would call what Pun had an actual speech impediment. He was just fat. Fat as all fuck. Fatter than I can ever imagine getting in my most insane nightmares. So fat that on a DVD I bought called ”Still Not a Player,” Pun’s wife runs up a flight of stairs to escape being beaten by him. He is too fat to climb after her. What Pun did is basically spit ¾ of a verse, then take a huge, grotesque, phlegmy breath that sounded like a DC-10 getting ready for takeoff. If you listen for it, on later tracks his voice also sounds wetter or something, as if he actually has huge amounts of saliva pooling in his mouth, and he is just waiting for a chance to take one of his gargantuan breaths so he can swallow some of it.


Talk's about murdering you so beautifully that you are totally cool with it.

1. Kool G. Rap
The dude who made lisping cool. G. Rap’s staccato rhymes are the stuff of mythology. Listen to him blaze his way through Fast Life, Ill Street Blues, or Men at Work, and tell me it would be half as dope if he pronounced his S’s correctly. I think not.


Feel free to add in comments, if anybody's reading this.

Wanna piss a female off?

Do not call her a bitch. That shit is passé as fuck. Girls call their best friends bitches all the time. Both to their faces and behind their backs.

You may ask me, "Should I try 'cunt?'" Nay, young padawan, for that is too harsh a word, and the lass in question will simply dismiss you as a crude longshoreman, unworthy of her concern.

To properly upset a woman with namecalling, one must be subtle, but blunt enough to get your point across. My personal favorite is to call a woman "hooker." Maybe yell it at them. Do not ruin the effect by saying something akin to "you act like a hooker," or "you could be a hooker the way you do my friends." Your goal is to be short and to the point. "You fucking hooker!!" is a good one. Also simply try screaming the noun as fiercely as you can right in her face. I am not responsible for your injuries if you fuck this up.



Not this guy.

The Street's Cursed, the First Amendment's Culturally Biased?

Mmmmm, incapacitating.

Like a child, who wanders into the middle of a movie, with no frame of reference, I come to bring content to the deaf, dumb, and blind. Or the deaf and dumb, at the very least.

I read something recently at EDSBS.com, which is probably the best website around, which made me think.

Essentially, a thread deteriorated to the point that people were talking about tasers. This reminded me of my own tangential experience with the taser. Or, as it is known colloquially, the "finger of Mephistopheles."

On my lone unfortunate trip to Jacksonville, FL, I encountered the very worst of redneck cop-dom out for quick money. Because many people who are arrested during "Georgia/Florida Weekend" are not from the greater Duval County area, they can be held impudently because said people have no real hope of beating their case.

My specific situation, for instance, involved a young man who came from Athens, GA, to enjoy a football game. Said fan met his friends and left his vehicle in Jesup, GA, on the way to Jacksonville. He checked into a horrible motel room, Friday night, as is the tradition.

It is here our friend's story takes a turn for the worse. Said gentleman lost his mates at the mass of humanity called The Landing. His ex-girlfriend called him soon thereafter, necessitating him to become enraged and heave his phone against the side of a bank building in downtown Jacksonville.

Unable to reach his friends by telecommunication, the young man was forced to spend the evening sleeping in a bush in a hedgerow nearby some offices in downtown Jacksonville. The next day was equally unforgiving, as his team lost, he was arrested, and taken to jail.

It is here the doors come off this tale of woe. While in the drunk tank with the other poor souls whose only crime was to look at a cop crookedly on the worst weekend of the year, he got to know some of the other inmates. Ninety percent were simply gentlemen who had been enjoying the "World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" (that is a lot of adjectives,) and been taken in for ridiculous purposes.

Two individuals in particular struck his attention. Both Georgia fans, one had on a pair of "Space Jam" Jordan XI. When the two were led out of the drunk tank to deposit their belongings into ziplock bags, one made a break for it. At this point, a man who appeared to be Bill Duke, character actor known for playing Mack in the first Predator movie, tazed the shit out of him. One guard had tried to taze him at first, but the guy with the Jordans had managed to turn to the side quickly and let the hooks fly by him. Bill Dukes had better aim. I watched the poor sack through the window, afflictedly spasming like a retarded kid having a reaction to too much Cinnamon Life Cereal. I vowed never to pee on myself in public. There is much more to this ridiculous story, but that is best left to another day.