How do I become a booster?

Ho money's slow money but it's sho' money.

Not a forthwith booster for my own team, sending money each year to my alma mater in an envelope to guarantee myself seats 95 rows from the field. I know how to do that. How do I become one of the crooked boosters who ends up on the news?

I suppose I should explain myself. I am a Georgia fan, who has for the last year and a half, lived in Columbia, SC. Against my will. My newspaper tells me more daily about the Lexington County soccer team than the Atlanta Braves. I can tell you the offensive linemen for Richland 2 this coming fall, because we have far more local coverage of them than we do of any college football, save the indefatigable Gamecocks or the infallible Tigers.

My goal is simple: to pay enough Carolina players enough money to guarantee a loss to Mississippi State August 31. I will have moved to (hopefully) more hospitable climes in Charlotte by then, but the gloat factor will make my investment worthwhile. I will gloat at my former neighbors. I will gloat at my former mailman. I will gloat at the people I formerly saw at the grocery store and tried not to make eye contact with.

I am not a wealthy man, but I am willing to pay upwards of a few hundred dollars for a loss here. I do not want to shake anyone's hand, so send me dropbox addresses or whatnot. I want to make this work! I eagerly await a letter from Mike Slive informing me of the necessary paperwork.