Damn, it has been a minute.

More than a month since the last post. Sorry for the one dude I went to high school with who occasionally checks this website out.

These new commercials for "The Hitcher" are a bit disconcerting. Mainly because no mention is made of the fact that it is a remake of Rutger Hauer's best role, that of the ridonkulously insane John Rider. If this flick is half the flick that ripped Jennifer Jason Leigh in half, I will be impressed.

In other news, I was watching "Cocktail" during the commercials of the Sugar Bowl, and imagine my surprise when I realized that Matthew McConaughey is about 7 years from being the spitting image of famed Australian actor Bryan Brown. Don't believe me?

Fuck you:


I know this is an old picture. I think it is from when he got arrested for smoking reefer naked while watching his DVD of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4. (This is an excellent film for all those who have not seen it.)


Not to be confused with two time Oscar winner Michael Caine.

The once pushovers pushing back a little harder...

So the ACC championship game is over. It was not pretty, or awe inspiring, by any means. It was pretty nice to see Tech once again go into a shell in the face of adversity. Word from some guy who works for the AJC is that they will not even make the Gator Bowl now, as the Jacksonville guys have been given permission to ignore the rule that prevents them from taking Clemson.

Tech lost this game last week, make no bones about it. Noone will admit this publicly, but they all know it in their hearts. So there you go.


Cannot wait for combines.

Back up, back up...

Step back you dilly stunts, I'm illy more than once a day I'm holding Philly blunts until I'm really a silly dunce.


I fuck with your head like hard liquor.

Tim Brando does not know the mascot of any college team...

As far as he is concerned, every team is the "Fighting [Insert head coach's last name here.]"

On an unrelated note, why would anyone want to go to Tweeter after seeing the commercial they are running these days? Their current slogan is apparently, "Come to Tweeter, where we will send an asshole to your home to demean and belittle whatever current electronics you own."

Uggggghhhhh

Good news: The Bulldogs played with heart, and had a legitimate chance against Florida late in the game (again.)

Bad news: Had they actually played a good, well-executed game from start to finish, they would have won outright.

That is all. I am off to get drunk and arrested.

Should I be surprised?

The Miami Herald has informed me that South Carolina wide reciever O.J. Murdock has been arrested for shoplifting a bunch of gear from his favorite hometown clothery in Tampa.
Should we expect anything less from someone named after two of history's greatest villains?


O.J.


Murdoc

The Sea is Pissed

The ocean is angry, my land-dwelling brothers. It is sending it's first wave of Attack Stingray to take out every man, woman, and nature host foolish enough to approach. We are not safe on boats, even. The stingrays will not sleep, they can't be bargained or reasoned with, and they absolutely will not stop until we are dead.

We need to get Professor Ogden Wernstrom on the case, if we expect to live through this.


Wernstrom!

Dead and Loving It??

I don't know how litigious these people are these days, but I am pretty sure this image came from the only FHM I ever bought about six years ago. Purchased specifically because a younger, broker version of myself noticed this particular image whilst leafing through every magazine my local Barnes & Noble felt fit to stock. Nevertheless, I figure that my people need any goodwill they can get after the previous weekend's debacle, so here is a cute little bit of fluff that I think appeared in a British "lad" magazine near the turn of the century. I am not positive, as it appears in my own possession these days only in the form of a clipping, removed from its superfluous wrapping. If the rightfull owner comes along, holler at me, and I will douse it.


When I die, and SEC season rolls around, my tombstone will play a looped recording of "Six fuckin' devils stepped up playin' brave god, had the fuckin' nerve to try and enter my graveyard."

What Have We Learned Today?!?!?!?!?

Offense can score if they have to.

Joe T. is not some retarded kid with a helmet.

Special Teams: We return kicks good, we do not punt so good.

Defense: Willie Martinez is a piece of a sick human's shit, full of corn and undigested fiber. He sucks the dick of the players the former, good, defensive coordinator recruited. If I were Brian Van Gorder, I would absolutely demand that Willie Martinez teabag me. The sonovabitch is an incompetent fuck and has no business collecting a paycheck from the job he has.

Thank you.

Damn

Just saw a commercial for 300. I have not been this excited for a flick in a long time. Everything about the little trailer was extremely dope, from the Nine Inch Nails song to the lighting and cinematography and whatnot. The fact that it comes from a boss Frank Miller book is icing on the cake. Plus, they totally jacked a line from another great movie, Conan the Barbarian. Crom will not take this shit sitting down.


Fucking Sweet.

Man FUCK Blogger

A man spends the better part of an hour writing a deft hate-speech about the afro-rocking Indian kid from Stanford on "The Real World" from a few years ago, and splices it perfectly with quotes from "Transmetropolitan" by Warren Ellis, and Blogger goes and eats the motherfucking post. Dammit.


Count yourself lucky asshole. You had it coming.

Mort Motherfuckers

I don't mean to blow my own big-ass horn, which the Vikings used to use to summon their chariots, but I called this shit. After the Falcons' game Sunday, I discussed with my friend the jackassery of the field goal unit. Koenen is a fine punter, and handles kickoffs well. Field goals are a whole nother matter. I explained to said friend that there must be dozens of elderly kickers sitting at home, waiting by the phone. Clearly, Morten is the best choice, both because he has already shown himself to be solid in old age, and because he is a former fan favorite for the home team. Gary Anderson, and many others however, must be in similar situations. If your kicker sucks, don't go through the growing pains of making him good, just sign a cheap veteran. Driving kids to soccer practice for a few years is probably good for the hamstrings anyways.


What is the Danish word for "kickass"?

Crazier Than a Bag of Dust

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There is a player on the Bulldogs named Andrew "Gully"

Sweet.

Everything did not go according to plan, man.

All my underhanded shenanigans went for naught. The fighting Starkville Maroondogs (word to Brad Farmer) could not come away with a victory. In retrospect, I suppose I should have known that the Carolina players I bribed were going turncoat on me when they knocked that poor heavyset Caucasian fellow out of the game with a broken collarbone. Alas, the Georgia boys will have to do the deed themselves next weekend. In the meantime, I have some welshers to work over.


A reenactment of me taking my money out of Blake Mitchell's hide. Blake Mitchell apparently played by a pre-tragedy Doctor Otto Octavius. Myself possibly played by Namor the Submariner.

Beluga/Man Hybrid Makes Fairly Good Football Coach

Scrolling bottom line thing on espn has informed me that Mark Mangino has gotten a 5 year extension at Kansas. Is anyone willing to say that they think he will live long enough to see the end of this contract?


The food is not love Mark. Only love is love.

Best Rappers With Speech Impediments

The patron saint looks on.


There is something about the genre of hip hop that makes it accommodating to people who do not really talk correctly. These are not the type of gentlemen to be on the receiving end of a Chris Rock “He speaks so well.” I don’t know why rap music is so cool with hare-lips and stutters, but I do know that Lynyrd Skynyrd would never have gone anywhere if Ronnie Van Zant sang “gummey tree stups, gummey tree stups muster.” Anyways, without further adoodoo.


Not as dangerous as your mother probably thinks.

6. 50 Cent
This guy can rap. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. He just chooses not to. Whether he is a closet Pharoahe Monch fan, singing terrible soul music in the shower, or if he honestly doesn’t give a fuck about music and is in it solely to see how much money he can make, the dude seems to prefer sing-songy choruses over lyrics. Blame that shit on getting shot in the face if you want. I don’t know what it feels like to have a bullet in my cheek, but Bushwick took one in the eye, and it didn’t seem to fuck up his flow any.


Slight brain damage? Or that's emotion, and you'se a bitch?

5. RZA
RZA is not in the upper echelon of MC’s in the Clan. If you only count the regular nine of them, dude probably doesn’t make the top half. He was a good MC, however, and he did craft the most apocalyptic beats this side of an audio tape of Chernobyl going off. Couple his slurring, stuttering verses from the Clan, his Gravediggaz work, his love of the onomatopoeia (blaghh!, waaghh!), and his absolutely lunatic Bobby Digital solo stuff, and the man earns a solid number five ranking on this blogger’s list.


Half man, half cartoon. Hideous wife.

4. Ice T
Hilarious. Ice T is a real hard dude. Supposedly a legitimate pimp back in the day, not the cool movie kind with velvet shirts and shit. The real world kind who sliced hamstrings so a bitch couldn’t run and beat the ever-loving Jesus out of 15 year old girls for one dollar. Nevertheless, he parlayed this into a role as the least intimidating TV cop in the history of recorded black guy TV cops. I literally laughed out loud when I heard the phrase “I want to shoot you so bad my dick is hard.” Still, that Body Count shit is okay, and he made a pretty good kangaroo.


Make's the alcoholic supervillain cool again.

3. MF Doom
Call him whatever you want to, Daniel Dumile is a fancy lyricist. His live shows leave something wanting, but on tape, the dude is aces. Doom’s speech impediment is bemusing, in that he did not have it early in his career. Check the KMD catalog, and he just brings the 17 year old kid NYC flavor to his tracks. Six or however many years later, he sounds like Shane MacGowan does lately. Supposed legends of the man being homeless for lengths of time, accompanied by his constant spitting about alcohol consumption, have led me to believe him to have fucked up his motor skills. He is still brilliant; I just wouldn’t trust him to put a house of cards together. Early on, he told us he “never OD’d on his diet of codeine and OE.” I call bullshit.


Too fat to beat your wife is too fat period. We need more murals of this gastropod.

2. Big Punisher
I don’t know if you would call what Pun had an actual speech impediment. He was just fat. Fat as all fuck. Fatter than I can ever imagine getting in my most insane nightmares. So fat that on a DVD I bought called ”Still Not a Player,” Pun’s wife runs up a flight of stairs to escape being beaten by him. He is too fat to climb after her. What Pun did is basically spit ¾ of a verse, then take a huge, grotesque, phlegmy breath that sounded like a DC-10 getting ready for takeoff. If you listen for it, on later tracks his voice also sounds wetter or something, as if he actually has huge amounts of saliva pooling in his mouth, and he is just waiting for a chance to take one of his gargantuan breaths so he can swallow some of it.


Talk's about murdering you so beautifully that you are totally cool with it.

1. Kool G. Rap
The dude who made lisping cool. G. Rap’s staccato rhymes are the stuff of mythology. Listen to him blaze his way through Fast Life, Ill Street Blues, or Men at Work, and tell me it would be half as dope if he pronounced his S’s correctly. I think not.


Feel free to add in comments, if anybody's reading this.

Wanna piss a female off?

Do not call her a bitch. That shit is passé as fuck. Girls call their best friends bitches all the time. Both to their faces and behind their backs.

You may ask me, "Should I try 'cunt?'" Nay, young padawan, for that is too harsh a word, and the lass in question will simply dismiss you as a crude longshoreman, unworthy of her concern.

To properly upset a woman with namecalling, one must be subtle, but blunt enough to get your point across. My personal favorite is to call a woman "hooker." Maybe yell it at them. Do not ruin the effect by saying something akin to "you act like a hooker," or "you could be a hooker the way you do my friends." Your goal is to be short and to the point. "You fucking hooker!!" is a good one. Also simply try screaming the noun as fiercely as you can right in her face. I am not responsible for your injuries if you fuck this up.



Not this guy.

The Street's Cursed, the First Amendment's Culturally Biased?

Mmmmm, incapacitating.

Like a child, who wanders into the middle of a movie, with no frame of reference, I come to bring content to the deaf, dumb, and blind. Or the deaf and dumb, at the very least.

I read something recently at EDSBS.com, which is probably the best website around, which made me think.

Essentially, a thread deteriorated to the point that people were talking about tasers. This reminded me of my own tangential experience with the taser. Or, as it is known colloquially, the "finger of Mephistopheles."

On my lone unfortunate trip to Jacksonville, FL, I encountered the very worst of redneck cop-dom out for quick money. Because many people who are arrested during "Georgia/Florida Weekend" are not from the greater Duval County area, they can be held impudently because said people have no real hope of beating their case.

My specific situation, for instance, involved a young man who came from Athens, GA, to enjoy a football game. Said fan met his friends and left his vehicle in Jesup, GA, on the way to Jacksonville. He checked into a horrible motel room, Friday night, as is the tradition.

It is here our friend's story takes a turn for the worse. Said gentleman lost his mates at the mass of humanity called The Landing. His ex-girlfriend called him soon thereafter, necessitating him to become enraged and heave his phone against the side of a bank building in downtown Jacksonville.

Unable to reach his friends by telecommunication, the young man was forced to spend the evening sleeping in a bush in a hedgerow nearby some offices in downtown Jacksonville. The next day was equally unforgiving, as his team lost, he was arrested, and taken to jail.

It is here the doors come off this tale of woe. While in the drunk tank with the other poor souls whose only crime was to look at a cop crookedly on the worst weekend of the year, he got to know some of the other inmates. Ninety percent were simply gentlemen who had been enjoying the "World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" (that is a lot of adjectives,) and been taken in for ridiculous purposes.

Two individuals in particular struck his attention. Both Georgia fans, one had on a pair of "Space Jam" Jordan XI. When the two were led out of the drunk tank to deposit their belongings into ziplock bags, one made a break for it. At this point, a man who appeared to be Bill Duke, character actor known for playing Mack in the first Predator movie, tazed the shit out of him. One guard had tried to taze him at first, but the guy with the Jordans had managed to turn to the side quickly and let the hooks fly by him. Bill Dukes had better aim. I watched the poor sack through the window, afflictedly spasming like a retarded kid having a reaction to too much Cinnamon Life Cereal. I vowed never to pee on myself in public. There is much more to this ridiculous story, but that is best left to another day.

How do I become a booster?

Ho money's slow money but it's sho' money.

Not a forthwith booster for my own team, sending money each year to my alma mater in an envelope to guarantee myself seats 95 rows from the field. I know how to do that. How do I become one of the crooked boosters who ends up on the news?

I suppose I should explain myself. I am a Georgia fan, who has for the last year and a half, lived in Columbia, SC. Against my will. My newspaper tells me more daily about the Lexington County soccer team than the Atlanta Braves. I can tell you the offensive linemen for Richland 2 this coming fall, because we have far more local coverage of them than we do of any college football, save the indefatigable Gamecocks or the infallible Tigers.

My goal is simple: to pay enough Carolina players enough money to guarantee a loss to Mississippi State August 31. I will have moved to (hopefully) more hospitable climes in Charlotte by then, but the gloat factor will make my investment worthwhile. I will gloat at my former neighbors. I will gloat at my former mailman. I will gloat at the people I formerly saw at the grocery store and tried not to make eye contact with.

I am not a wealthy man, but I am willing to pay upwards of a few hundred dollars for a loss here. I do not want to shake anyone's hand, so send me dropbox addresses or whatnot. I want to make this work! I eagerly await a letter from Mike Slive informing me of the necessary paperwork.